You’ve probably heard of love languages, but how do you find yours? Because everyone expresses love differently, it is beneficial to understand how you show affection. Unfortunately, many self-help websites and articles assume that you already understand your love language. We’ll go over each one and give you examples in this comprehensive guide so you can find the love language that speaks to you the most.
What is a Love Language?
A love language is how you express affection and prefer to be loved. Gary Chapman’s famous book inspired the concept of the five love languages. He studied how people express love and classified it into five types, or languages. Here are the traditional five love languages, as well as a couple of lesser-known ones:
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- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Physical touch
- Acts of service
- Receiving gifts
How to Find Your Love Language
If you’ve been wondering how to handle conflict in your relationship or communicate with your partner, the love languages test is probably for you. You can have a healthy, communicative relationship even if you don’t speak the same language. So, how did you find out? Here’s how to find out what your love language is:
#1. Communicate with your partner
What is the first thing you can do to find your love language? Speak with your partner. Talking about what makes you feel love and how you show love may seem so simple that you’ve never done it before, but it can be extremely enlightening. Perhaps one of you believes that spending time together is the foundation of your relationship. Perhaps the other feels neglected when they do not receive gifts to commemorate special occasions. Begin by discussing times when you felt love — or a lack thereof — and you’ll be well on your way.
#2. Examine your relationship history
You can sometimes find out your love language by thinking about times when you’ve felt neglected. Is there a recurring issue in all of your relationships, such as resentment that your partner wasn’t physically present enough? That could indicate that they were looking at your love language and that physical touch is important to them. Perhaps the other
#3. Be reflective and honest
Almost everyone I know who has looked at their love languages says, “Oh no, material things aren’t important to me! I’m not superficial at all! ” But be honest with yourself — gifts can be representative and weighty, PDA doesn’t have to be gross, and there is such a thing as too much quality time. You’ll get a better idea of your love language if you look at how things actually make you feel, rather than how you think they should make you feel.
#4. Conduct research
Feel free to read up on Dr. Chapman’s book, talk to your friends, or google “love languages” until you find something that matches you; you’ll probably find other people like you—and you may even find people who have had similar incompatibilities with their partner and advice for overcoming them.
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#5. Take the test online.
Have you had enough soul-searching? Go to The Love Languages website and take the test; heck, if you’re in a relationship, sit down with your partner and take the test together; it can give you amazing insights into your relationship.
How to Find Your Love Language Test
Read through each pair of statements and circle the one that most accurately describes you.
1. A. I appreciate receiving affirmation notes from you.
E. I enjoy it when you hug me.
2. B. I enjoy spending time with you one-on-one.
D. When you give me practical assistance, I feel loved.
3. C. I enjoy receiving gifts from you.
B. I enjoy going for long walks with you.
4. D. When you do things to help me, I feel loved.
E. When you hug or touch me, I feel loved.
5. E. When you hold me in your arms, I feel loved.
C. When I receive a gift from you, I feel loved.
6. B. I enjoy going places with you.
E. I enjoy holding hands with you.
7. A. When you acknowledge me, I feel loved.
C. I place a high value on visible symbols of love (gifts).
8. E. I prefer to sit near you.
A. I appreciate it when you tell me I’m attractive.
9. B. I enjoy spending time with you.
C. I enjoy receiving small gifts from you.
10. D. When you help me, I know you love me.
A. Your words of acceptance mean a lot to me.
11. B. I prefer to do things with my friends.
A. I appreciate your kind words.
12. E. When we hug, I feel complete.
D. What you do has a greater impact on me than what you say.
13. A. I appreciate your compliments and will try to avoid your criticism.
C. I value several small, inexpensive gifts more than one large, expensive gift.
14. E. When you touch me, I feel closer to you.
B. I feel close to you when we talk or do something together.
15. A. I appreciate it when you compliment my accomplishments.
D. I know you love me when you do things you don’t want to do for me.
16. E. I like it when you walk by and touch me.
B. I appreciate how sympathetically you listened to me.
17. C. I adore receiving gifts from you.
D. When you assist me with my home projects, I feel loved.
18. A. I appreciate it when people compliment my appearance.
B. When you take the time to understand my feelings, I feel loved.
19. E. I feel safe when you touch me.
D. Your acts of kindness make me feel appreciated.
20. D. I appreciate all that you do for me.
C. I enjoy receiving handmade gifts from you.
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21. B. I adore the sensation I get when you give me your undivided attention.
D. I love the feeling I get when you do something nice for me.
22. C. I feel loved when you give me a gift on my birthday.
A. When you celebrate my birthday with meaningful words, I feel loved (written or spoken).
23. D. When you help me with my chores, I feel loved.
C. When you give me a gift, I know you’re thinking of me.
24. A. I appreciate it when you remember special occasions with a gift.
B. I appreciate it when you listen to me patiently and do not interrupt.
25. B. I enjoy taking long trips with you.
D. I appreciate knowing that you care enough to assist me with my daily tasks.
26. E. Unexpectedly kissing me makes me feel loved.
C. Getting me a gift for no reason makes me feel special.
27. A. I enjoy hearing that you value me.
B. I prefer that you look at me when we’re talking.
28. C. I always treasure your gifts.
E. When you kiss me, I feel loved.
29. A. When you tell me how much you appreciate me, I feel loved.
D. I feel loved when you enthusiastically complete a task I have assigned to you.
30. E. I need you to hug me every day.
A. I require your words of affirmation on a daily basis.
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A. __Words of Affirmation
B. __Quality Time
C. __Receiving Gifts
D. __Acts of Service
E. __Physical Touch
How to Find Your Love Language Quiz
There are numerous ways to express your love; to find out which one is yours, take this love language quiz. In this love language test, your preferences will reveal what your love language is; all you need to do is answer the questions honestly, and your personality will be evaluated accordingly. After taking the quiz, don’t forget to share it with your friends to help them find their love language as well.
Answers to Questions
#1. Tell us about the qualities you seek in a partner.
C. Showing respect
E. Attitude of giving
#2. What do you want your date to do for you on a date?
A. Tell me how lovely/beautiful I am.
B. Ensure that they remain with me throughout the date.
C. Bring me a large bouquet, wine, and a nice gift.
D. You should be courteous to both me and the hotel staff.
E. Spent the night with their arms around me.
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#3. When have you felt the most loved?
A. When people help me out.
B. When I am touched tenderly.
C. When I receive presents.
D. When I am complimented and encouraged.
E. When others make time for me.
#4. What is the most thoughtful gift your partner could give you?
A. Tell me as many times as they can, “I Love You.”
B. Be attentive and focused when you’re with me.
C. Presents me with a pricey necklace, shoes, a watch, a purse, or even a car.
D. I don’t like large gifts, but I love it when others do things for me.
E. Sit on the couch with me and watch a movie.
#5. How would you characterize yourself?
#6. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?
A. Go on vacation with my family.
B. Sit on a couch with my special someone and spend the evening together.
C. Make plans for my friends and family’s birthdays and anniversaries.
D. Pay a visit to an orphanage and spend time with the children.
E. Call my loved ones and tell them how important they are to me.
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#7. What is most important to you in love?
A. Words of encouragement, gratitude, and affirmation.
B. Complete and undivided attention.
C. Consideration and prioritization.
D. Love, concern, and service
E. Nonverbal communication and physical contact
#8. What do you dislike about your partner?
A. When they do not acknowledge or appreciate your efforts.
B. When they work long hours and arrive late at home.
C. Forgetting my birthday or our anniversary.
D. When they refuse to assist me with my housework.
E. When they neglect or physically abuse me
#9. What do you want your partner to do for you when you’re down?
A. Concentrate my attention on my eyes and listen to what they are saying.
B. Shower me with hugs and kisses.
C. Prepare a delicious meal that will make me forget about everything else.
D. Tell me they are proud of me.
E. Give me things they know I’ll appreciate.
#10. You forgot something important and apologize; how do you want your partner to react?
A. They say, ‘It’s okay, we all forget things now and then.'”
B. Request that you forget about it and accompany me on a short walk.
C. Prepare a hot cup of cappuccino with cookies for you.
D. Get out of bed right away to finish that task.
E. Call me into their arms and embrace me physically.
#11. What do you consider to be the ideal date?
A. Staying at home to watch a movie.
B. We’re cooking dinner together.
C. We’re going to a party.
D. We’re going shopping.
E. A romantic candlelit dinner.
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#12. What is your biggest flaw as a partner, in your opinion?
A. You will become very at ease.
B. You are prone to forgetfulness.
C. You are not a good communicator.
D. You are easily irritated.
E. You are overly demanding.
#13. What is the most vexing thing for you?
A. A destructive criticism.
B. Birthdays and anniversaries are often overlooked.
C. You are not the main focus.
D. We won’t be meeting for long.
E. There is no intimacy.
#14. You recently received a promotion. What do you anticipate from your companion?
A. Respect my abilities.
B. As a reward, prepare dinner.
C. Make a party for me.
D. Bring to a party.
E. Dinner invitation.
#15. What type of travel do you enjoy doing with your partner?
A. A lovely week.
B. Having a relaxing stay in a hotel.
C. A shopping excursion.
D. I only have personal time away from technology.
E. A location to get closer.
How to Find Your Love Language Steps
Jay Shetty went on to share six steps you can take to effectively discover your partner’s love language and express your own, using some tips provided in The Five Love Languages.
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Step 1: Know your love language first
Begin by identifying your own love language. Shetty urged listeners to ask themselves the following questions, based on Chapman’s advice:
- Which love language makes me the happiest when I receive it?
- What is the most painful lack of love language?
Pointing this out to yourself will help you understand your love language and how to express it to your partner.
Step 2: Understand your partner’s love language
Turn your attention to the one you are loving after you have a good understanding of how you are best-loved. Encourage them to rank their love languages by answering the two questions above. Take the time to discuss their list and evaluate how they are most effectively loved as you consider how you show them love.
Step 3: Get to know your parents
“So many of our love languages are based on how our parents loved or didn’t love us,” Jay Shetty explained. “Either what our parents gave us or what they didn’t give us became our priority.”
Step 4: Dig Deeper
Ticking love language boxes isn’t always enough. It’s easy to fall into the trap of using the simplest form of your partner’s love language. When there is no loving intention, a quick peck on the cheek or a thoughtless trinket doesn’t mean much.
Step 5: Enough isn’t enough
People sometimes worry that their expressions of love are insufficient. All attempts to show love should be greeted with gratitude… but why settle for just okay when there is the potential to love people in profound ways? Jay Shetty encourages people to love well and to learn how to love others in the ways that they want and need to be loved.
Step 6: You can’t buy love with money.
“Things don’t take the place of love languages,” Jay Shetty explained. “Gifts, money, showing off, random travel – none of this can be a substitute for deeply understanding your partner’s love language,” Jay advises people not to use money or the things it can buy as a way to avoid dealing with issues or doing the work of learning to love the other person well.
That concludes our discussion of how to find your love language. I hope they work for you and allow you to reap the benefits of this theory. I’d like to point out that “all of the above” is another option. In fact, it is most likely the best option.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know my love languages?
The simplest way to determine your partner’s love language is to simply ask them which of the five languages they prefer receiving. This is their primary love language, and it is the one you should use to express your affection for them.
Is it possible not to have a love language?
Understand your love language.
No one will be able to speak your language if no one knows what it is, so you must first understand how you “speak” love. Take a quiz, consider the gestures that have made your heart skip a beat, and get to know yourself. Your love language is a part of who you are.
What is the most common love language?
The love language preferred by most people is quality time: 38% rank this as their top love language. Women — those under 45 (41%) and those 45 and over (44%) — are especially likely to say quality time is their favorite way to receive love.
Can you be all 5 love languages?
Each love language exists on a spectrum, and all five love languages can be learned. Your primary love language is most likely related to how love was expressed in your family of origin.