You probably should have heard about “The Five Love Language Series” by Gary Chapman; unless you’re a Flimstone, living under a rock. This universal truth is usually recommended for adults, seeking to improve their relationships.
Basically, love language refers to how we prefer to receive love from someone or express love to someone. However, we all have different love languages. Therefore, it is possible that you and your partner don’t share the same language. This can sometimes lead to misunderstandings in the relationship. Although it is mostly unspoken, studying your partner to find out their love language helps you understand them better. So, let’s find out what your love language is.
The 5 Types of Love Languages
Generally, there are just 5 love languages. They include;
- Words of affirmation
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
- Acts of Service
- Getting Gifts
What is my Love Language?
The following are pointers to knowing your love language
#1. Words of Affirmation
Your love language could be words of affirmation if you love to hear your partner compliment you regularly. You love it when they tell you how strong, beautiful, pretty, and amazing you are. Therefore, you are sensitive to words. Hence, if there’s a need for you to be criticized or corrected, it must be in a gentle manner.
#2. Quality Time
In this case, time and attention are what you crave. You’re the type that expects your partner to spend some time with you, no matter how busy they are. You prefer to have face-to-face conversations, go on long walks, trips, and vacations, basically just get to do things together with you. If your partner doesn’t get to spend time with you for a day or two, you might get grumpy. Also, you can’t survive in a long-distance relationship.
#3. Physical Touch
Physical touch doesn’t necessarily entail sex. You love to hold hands with your partner, even in the middle of conversations. Cuddling, back hugs, forehead kisses, just name it. This makes you feel loved by your partner, and it’s also a way you express yours. Hence, You’re a sucker for PDA.
If this is your love language, you prefer your partner to do things for you. You like them to do little thoughtful things. For example, you’d like them to cook dinner for you, after a long stressful day at work. You like to wake up to the smell of fresh coffee and breakfast. You’d want them to follow you to go see the doctor for an appointment. When your partner does this, you feel loved and catered for.
5. Getting Gifts
Although everyone loves getting gifts, you prefer this often. Hearing your partner say “I got you something” makes you really happy. And that is because it makes you aware of the fact that they thought about you during the day. Or they saw a pretty necklace or nice sweatshirt, and it reminded them of you.
How To Find Your Partner’s Love Language
Generally, we all express and receive love in all 5 languages. However, everyone has a primary love language, secondary love language, and tertiary love language. Simply put, first choice, second choice, and third choice. That is to say, your partner has a particular language that they’d prefer you to respond to more than others. But without neglecting other languages.
However, when you understand what your language is and compare it to that of your partner’s, you might start to understand patterns in disagreements you usually have. Therefore, if your partner’s love language is “acts of service”, but you focus more on “affirmation”, they may still not feel loved. That is because such persons believe action speaks louder than words.
Hence, try to understand your partner’s love language. What do you normally do that they just can’t get tired of?
Do Love Languages Change?
The answer is “Yes and No”. Love languages are a lot similar to our human personalities. They may shift or become slightly different over time, but they’re rooted in who we are. Hence, they remain pretty much the same. Although You may have more than one love language, one would be more dominant than others. For example, physical touch may be your primary love language, while acts of service is your secondary one. So, don’t be surprised if your partner who loves acts of service gets upset because you don’t say “I love you” so much.
The Most Common Love Language
In the year 2010, a survey was conducted by Chapman, the author of “The Five Love Language Series”. From the results of the survey, the most popular love language as of 2010 was “words of affirmation.”
After he surveyed 10,000 people, he found that:
- 23 percent chose words of affirmation.
- 20 percent chose quality time.
- 20 percent chose acts of service.
- 19 percent chose physical touch.
- 18 percent chose to receive gifts.
However, this changed In 2018. The most common love language was quality time, by far. It was analyzed by a dating app love language test.
In addition, love languages are influenced by gender, culture, customs, and values. That is to say that your gender, cultural norms, values, and orientation can influence your love language. For example, to some people, receiving gifts or buying you gifts expresses how they feel about you. If they love you, they’d expect to receive gifts from you and vice versa. But to others, such may appear too materialistic.
Also, in some cultured countries, public display of affection between couples or romantic partners is seen as a big taboo. South Asian countries is an example.
Love Language Test
The love language test will help you find out what category you or your partner falls under. Remember that in some cases, it’s possible to have more than one love language. So, be sure to choose the option you respond to more strongly than the others.
1. You are going through a really hard time, but you will feel a bit better if your partner says: “Even though you say you’re fine, I know you’ve been through so much. But I love the fact that you’re strong. That’s one of the reasons I love you so much. Don’t worry, we can get through this.”
A. “Don’t tell me you’re fine. I’m hurt seeing you like this. What can I do to help?. Really, just tell me. Anything”
B. “Do you want to go to the Bahamas?. Just the both of us. Let’s go on a vacation and forget about all of this.”
C. “Don’t cry, I’m on my way to the house. I’ll hold you in my arms until you fall asleep. Alright?”
D. “I got you a present on my way back home. But I’m not gonna let you open it unless you smile.”
2. In general, you really don’t like it when your partner:Criticize what you do. Or stays a while without telling you how much they love you.
A. Doesn’t get things done. You literally have to remind them to do the chores. Or you have to ask before they get things done for you.
B. Arranges to meet up with you, but doesn’t because they got caught up at work. You believe if they value you, they will make time for you.
C. Doesn’t want to hug, kiss or cuddle you. You may see it as a sign of withdrawal from the relationship if they begin to reduce the way they do all that.
D. Have to ask your partner to get you a present before they do. Or wait till birthdays and anniversaries before they get you gifts.
3. When you wake up in the morning, what makes you feel more loved?
A. Hearing your partner say “I love you”
B. Having breakfast in bed, courtesy of your partner
C. When your partner holds your gaze and you pillow talk
D. If your partner cuddles you tightly
E. When your partner tells you to expect a delivery man later because he got you something.
4. What is your personal preference: I like to receive letters, thank you notes and cards.
A. When others help me it means a lot.
B. I like spending one on one time with those I love.
C. Nothing says I love you more than a big warm hug.
D. A thoughtful gift goes a long way for me.
Mostly A’s – Words of affirmation
Majorly B’s – Act of service
Mostly C’s – Quality Time
Majorly D’s – Physical Touch
Mostly E’s – Receiving Gifts
However, if your answers are equal halves, (2A’s and 2B’s). It means you have more than one love language. And the dominant one mostly depends on your mood.
Conclusively, knowing your love language is useful in improving communication with your partner. It helps you express yourself to your partner, and receive love in the way you desire. However, a relationship entails many things. Relying on love languages alone can build a codependent relationship out of the blue. Also, having a different love language from your partner doesn’t mean the relationship wouldn’t work. Instead, it will help you understand your differences and work towards building a healthy relationship.
LOVE LANGUAGE FAQs
What is the most common language?
In 2018, The most common love language was quality time, by far. It was analyzed by a dating app love language test.
Do love languages change?
Love languages are a lot similar to our human personalities. They may shift or become slightly different over time, but they’re rooted in who we are.
How do I know my love language?
According to Dr. Chapman, if your manner of showing love is to whisper sweet nothings in his or her ear, or if you frequently make praises, your language is “words of affirmation.” The other love languages emphasize doing rather than saying what you’re feeling.