Why do we fight the most with the people we care about the most? Is it something more profound, something deeper, or something else entirely? Is it possible to stop fighting in a relationship?
Unfortunately, the people closest to us are usually the ones who cause us the most emotional distress. Every one of us brings something to the table that influences how much conflict we have with our partners, such as our early attachment patterns, psychological defenses, and critical inner voices about ourselves and others. As a result, getting along with our partners is rarely as straightforward as it appears. The good news is that we have a lot of power in terms of improving things.
Here are some things we can do to relieve tension, stay close to our partners, and stop fighting in a relationship:
How To Stop Fighting In A Relationship
The following are some practical steps to stop fighting in any relationship;
#1. Take Some Time to Relax
It’s difficult not to react in the heat of the moment. However, there’s a reason we feel more rational and regretful five minutes after a fight. The wrong word or a simple glance from our partner can trigger old, negative feelings about ourselves, causing us to become angry, ashamed, or defensive. We then react in ways that aren’t always appropriate for the situation, and in many cases, escalate the situation. it’s possible we can acquire some perspective and return to a more rational frame of mind if we can grab a hold of ourselves at that moment of intensity, take a stroll, or even just take a few deep breaths.
#2. Reject Your Critical Inner Voice’s Filter
We often hear or view our spouse through the filter of our “critical inner voice,” which is one of the reasons we’re so reactive in a particular situation. This “voice” indicates a pattern of negative thoughts and distorted views about ourselves and others that we established as a result of traumatic experiences in our childhood. We may expect our relationships to mirror those of our past as we grow older, and to project our “voices” onto others, particularly those closest to us. That is why we must confront our critical inner voice in order to truly break a destructive, argumentative cycle.
#3. Feel What You’re Feeling, but Do What’s Right
In a tense situation, calming down or dropping our side of a fight does not imply burying our feelings. In fact, according to Dr. Pat Love, author of The Truth About Love, we feel our emotions but choose our behaviors. Emotions reveal a lot about who we are. It’s great if we choose our behaviors carefully so that they reflect who we want to be. We should, however, be curious about and accepting of our feelings.
#4. Be Honest, Transparent, and Direct About Your Desires
Being transparent and direct about your desires and feelings, most times for immature individuals may be a put-off. However, it is one of the best ways to decide on what you want and stop fighting altogether in a relationship. Half the time it leads to breakups but, in the end, you will be glad you did.
How to Stop Fighting in a Long-Distance Relationship
For a long-distance relationship, the following are steps to bring fighting to a stop.
Fight in the Right Manner
Try to avoid texting fights. Texting in a rage only leads to more rage.
Get the Air Clear
The majority of disagreements in relationships stem from misunderstandings. To clarify what each other said or meant, ask questions. “What exactly did you mean when you said that?” and “Is what you want, is that correct?” In the same vein, respond to clarify. “I mistook this for when you said it.”
In Your Communication, Be Direct and Transparent
When you’re in a long-distance relationship, you’ll communicate primarily through text, chat, email, or phone calls. If your partner has harmed you in some manner, tell them right away. Don’t let it go unnoticed since it could become a ticking time bomb in your relationship. Always choose to be honest and transparent with your partner.
Consider What You’re About to Send
Tempers rise during a conflict, and many people lose control of their emotions and words. Don’t make the argument bigger than it needs to be. Before sending any text or email, make sure you read it thoroughly.
When They Say They Are Sorry, Believe Them
Distance implies you won’t be able to see your spouse, which means you won’t be able to see their eyes when they apologize. If your partner admits to making a mistake and apologizes, always believe them and try not to bring it up again when you see each other.
Deal With the Original Cause of the Disputes
Arguments we do experience are frequently sparked by a minor misunderstanding or an unspoken emotion. A fight can arise in a long-distance relationship simply because your partner is insecure. Perhaps your partner called while you were out dancing and you hadn’t told them you were going out. To deal with the situation, try to inform your partner of your plans, especially those that may cause jealousy.
Learn What Your Partner Doesn’t Like and Stay Away From It
In this type of relationship, one is not always available to express one’s feelings about an event as soon as it occurs or even before it occurs. While getting to know your partner, try to figure out what triggers him or her and avoid them as much as possible.
Know When to Stop and Break for a Break
Inform each other that you may require a 30-minute break. You two can talk once you’ve both calmed down. Make sure you’re all on board with the break and who will contact who when it’s over.
Quite unfortunate to bring up everything else that makes you mad just because you’re mad at your partner about one thing you’ll blindside your partner and prolong the fight. Before bringing up other topics, stay focused on the one at hand.
Do Not Forget to Take Advantage of the Fight
When an argument has ended, try to take something away from it. Always see everything as an opportunity to learn. You may find yourself learning something new about your partner and being unsure of how to handle it.
Never concentrate on a fight. Choose to forget about it as soon as it’s over and focus more on the long-distance relationship you’ve built.
Exercise to Help Couples Stop Fighting in a Relationship or Marriage
That hour spent with a trained professional, like individual therapy, is only half the battle. The exercises are designed to assist couples in resolving conflicts and improving communication, trust, and intimacy in their relationships.
#1. Couples Therapy Is to Express Gratitude Daily
If emotion check-ins make you feel too exposed, Stone recommends first establishing trust and intimacy by affirming one another’s positive contributions to the relationship. Take a few moments at the end of each day to share three things you admire about your partner, no matter how minor –– and try to be specific. “I appreciate how kind you are,” for example, could be replaced with “I appreciate how you stopped to give me a hug during a busy day.”
Why it works: Giving specific examples of behaviors you like works in the same way that positive reinforcement does. Affirming your partner also fosters mutual respect, making it easier to open up and grow together.
#2. Do Breathing Exercises Together
Simple breathing exercises with your partner, according to therapist and relationship coach Angela Amias, can help you reconnect with your partner. Begin by sitting back to back in a comfortable position, then concentrate on your breathing, noting any changes.
#3. 3. Couples Therapy Is to Do Daily Emotion Check-Ins
The owner and senior clinician of Unstuck Group in Austin, marriage, and family therapist Emily Stone, proposes using a feelings wheel as a way to connect. Each partner should pick three emotions from the day and communicate them with the other. I’d like to hear more about these feelings.” Remember that the purpose of this exercise is to share and reflect, not to correct or defend.
Why it works: Making a spouse feel heard, loved, and supported requires emotional validation. Active listening and reflecting on the other person’s emotions can help couples improve their communication skills and intimacy. You’ll also have a better notion of how to help your partner if you’re aware of what they go through regularly
#4. Couples Therapy Is To Express Gratitude Daily
If emotion check-ins make you feel too exposed, Stone recommends first establishing trust and closeness by acknowledging one another’s positive contributions to the partnership. Take a few moments at the end of each day to share three things you admire about your partner, no matter how minor –– and try to be precise. “I admire how kind you are,” for example, maybe replaced with “I appreciate how you stopped to give me a hug throughout a busy day.”
Why it works: Giving specific examples of behavior you admire works in the same way that positive reinforcement does. Affirming your partner also fosters mutual respect, making it simpler to open out and grow together.
Is It Normal to Fight in a Relationship
Conflict is unavoidable in any meaningful relationship. (If you don’t believe me, just ask my husband.) Each of our unique stories is the result of a unique combination of triggers, thought patterns, and emotional responses, and no two humans process life in the same way. Couples may have disagreements from time to time (or frequently) for any of these reasons, which can quickly escalate into fights.
However, rather than seeing conflict as a negative, experts believe that it may be beneficial—a chance to learn more about your partner and how you might work together as a team. Of course, when your blood is boiling, your patience has collapsed, and you’re drowning in a sea of discouragement, it’s difficult to see it that way. The difficulty can be real, but there are ways to deal with it.
Free Tips Moving Forward
Here are some pointers to help you from here on out..
#1. Take Turns Speaking In A Controlled Manner
Cutting each other off is an action that can add dry wood to the fire of a fight. To avoid this both sides will have to agree on a time limit for each individual to discuss their thoughts and feelings at the start of the conversation. Setting time limits helps you focus on listening because you know when it’s your turn to speak and you don’t have to interrupt the other person’s seemingly endless rant to make a point.
#2. Avoid Making Demands, as Well as Acting Disrespectfully and Angrily
Dr. Willard Harley, Jr., author, marriage counselor, and psychologist, warns against spouses instructing one other what to do in his book Love Busters. Harley encourages the couples he counsels to phrase a desire in this way: “How would you feel about helping me with…?” Harley, who speaks at marriage seminars across the United States and Canada and co-hosts a daily marriage radio show with his wife, “Marriage Builders Radio,” encourages the couples he counsels to phrase a desire in this way: “How would you feel about helping me with…?”
According to Harley, the key is to manage your response if your request isn’t validated or fulfilled right away. This is when things can go ugly, and a disagreement can quickly turn into a brawl. Because one person isn’t getting what they want, Harley advises couples not to make exaggerated, damaging judgments (looking at you, rage tantrums). If you’re about to enter this dangerous territory, call a “timeout” by politely expressing your need for a moment to calm down and process what’s been said, or simply walk away, not storm away.
#3. Make Time in Your Calendar for Productive Discussions
Create a timetable for when you think you’ll be ready to return to the topic if your discussions become too heated. This will allow you to collect your thoughts and plan what you want to say soberly. Some couples, according to Jackson, set aside time to discuss relationship issues regularly. Rather than bringing up issues that need to be addressed on a sporadic basis, they find it beneficial to set aside an hour on a weekly or monthly basis to work out issues.
How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship FAQs
Is it normal to fight everyday in a relationship?
Although fighting with your partner is natural, fighting every day in a relationship or over certain subjects, such as your principles, should not be overlooked. According to specialists, there are a few typical relationship quarrels that indicate you should probably end your relationship.
What causes constant fighting in a relationship?
Couples frequently fall into argument cycles, in which they constantly argue about the same issue. Negative communication patterns that limit understanding and respect in a relationship are frequently the source of these argument cycles.
What is a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship makes you feel abandoned, misunderstood, devalued, or attacked. On a fundamental level, any relationship that makes you feel worse rather than better over time might become poisonous. Toxic relationships can exist in a variety of settings, including the playground, the boardroom, and the bedroom.