You walk down the street, speak up at work, and show up at parties like you own the place, but what about your relationship? All of that self-assurance is thrown out the window. It makes no difference whether your spouse chose to be with you; you can’t get rid of your insecurities from your relationship, but you can always deal with them when necessary.
“Almost everyone brings insecurities to their relationships,” says Jill Squyres, Ph.D., a professional psychologist specializing in couples and family counseling in Eagle, Colorado.
Regardless of how hard you attempt to deal with insecurities in your relationship, they’re always in your thoughts when you’re with your partner. You begin to second-guess everything you do and say, fearful that one small blunder will expose all of your shortcomings. And no amount of assurance from them is exactly enough.
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The most prevalent insecurities people bring into relationships are that they’re ‘not enough’—not sexy enough, pretty enough, slender enough, successful enough—they’re all about not being enough.
Insecurities in Relationships: Signs and Symptoms
Insecure feelings can lead to damaging attitudes and behaviors in love relationships, such as:
- Constantly check in on your spouse to see where they are if you aren’t with them.
- Not believing in your partner’s commitment to you and continuously fearing that they are cheating on you
- Feeling envious of everyone else in their life and resenting the individuals they care about.
- Not trusting your partner’s word and wanting to double-check everything they say
- A suspicion that your partner may end your relationship at any time.
- Seeking approval and accolades to feel more secure
These behaviors can drive your partner away, according to Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist, and professor at Yeshiva University in New York City.
Causes of Insecurity in Relationships
According to Romanoff, these are some of the potential causes of relationship insecurity. When people do not emotionally process and go through their reactions to these connections on their own, this is what happens. Rather, they get into a new relationship. Without adequate justification, these people frequently project their unresolved trauma or emotional baggage onto their new spouse.
#1. Low self-assuredness
People who lack self-confidence may feel insecure in their relationships because they may not believe they are deserving of their partner’s affection or support. Bullying, teasing, or abuse by caregivers might communicate the impression that you are different or unworthy. These events may have an impact on your self-esteem as well as your current relationship.
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#2. Mistreatment or neglect
People who have experienced repeated instances of neglect or cruelty are more likely to develop insecurities in their relationships since their needs have been satisfied infrequently. Because it was never assured or freely given in the past, people may experience fear of loss if they do achieve happy and healthy relationships.
#3. Anxiety in social situations
While many people have some level of social anxiety in settings such as meetings, parties, dating, and large gatherings, some people have more severe types that might damage their relationship self-confidence. You may become too critical of yourself as a result of social anxiety, and you may find it difficult to trust your partner’s behaviors and intentions.
#4. Fear of being rejected
People who are afraid of rejection in a relationship may feel insecure. Some people are more sensitive to rejection if they have low self-confidence. Minor failures or perceived slights might elicit their deepest anxieties and insecurities. Persevering through a failure, on the other hand, can assist increase confidence and lessening insecurity.
Impact on Relationships
Insecurity creates an imbalance in your relationship. You become more focused on what your partner isn’t giving you and instead demand confirmation or reinforcement for your insecurities. Instead of relating with your spouse as an equal, you begin to think of them as an item to control your feelings of uncertainty.
How to Deal With Insecurities in a Relationship
There are techniques for dealing with relationship concerns and insecurities that can deal you and your partner have a healthy, joyful, and emotionally secure relationship.
#1. Stop blaming yourself for your insecurities.
…or yours and your partner’s. Insecurities do not appear out of the blue. They are frequently triggered by certain events, persons, ex-lovers, or even current partners. Because you can’t control everything (especially other people), concentrate on what you can: yourself. The first step in dealing with insecurities in your relationship is to let go of self-blame and -bashing.
#2. Approach your insecurities with a sense of wonder.
Forget about all the protection mechanisms you developed to get through middle school’s three-year insecurity fest. Now that you’re an adult, it’s time to face your fears. According to Squyres, the best way to do so is to approach them with curiosity and an open mind. Spend some time figuring out why you believe you’re not good enough. (“My first boyfriend cheated on me, so it’s evident I don’t have what it takes to keep people engaged over time.”)
Evaluating your relationship’s insecurities (writing them down so you may look at them as a third party if necessary) will help you deal with or find out if they’re founded on truth or just simple fear.
#3. Express your feelings to your partner.
Unless your partner is a mind reader (spoiler alert: they aren’t), you should inform them when you’re insecure and encourage them to do the same for you. A strong basis for a loving, trusting relationship is a safe emotional space with your spouse, where you know you can express your concerns in a straightforward but sensitive manner.
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Of course, if your partner’s behavior in the relationship sparks your insecurities, this can be more challenging, but that’s when it’s even more critical to help deal with it openly.
#4. Concentrate on your favorable qualities.
“How in the h*ll are you going to love somebody else if you don’t love yourself?” RuPaul said. I realize it’s easier said than done. Nobody (not even the most self-assured drag queen) becomes a master of self-love overnight—you have to start small. Orbuch suggests developing a list of five positive qualities about yourself and reading it whenever you’re feeling self-conscious. Make a list of your distinctive gifts while you’re at it. Celebrate your abilities, whatever they may be.
#5. Build on your victories.
Building on your self-assurance in one aspect of your life that is currently going well—for example, work—is a fantastic strategy to improve your overall self-esteem. Making time to improve your skills, talents, and whatever else you like about yourself as an individual might help you deal with your partner’s insecurities in your relationship. After all, if you honestly believe you’re a terrific catch (which you are, by the way), your other half will believe it as well.
#6. Don’t make comparisons to others.
Because it might cause you to compare your life (with all of its ups and downs) to someone else’s highlight reel, the social media platform makes it all too easy to spark instant self-doubt. Remember: According to Orbuch, the most prevalent insecurity people bring into relationships is the sensation of “not being enough.” But you can’t feel “insufficient” if you don’t have somebody to compare yourself to, can you?
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Taking a social media sabbatical, even if it’s only for a few hours or days, is an easy approach to cease unfavorable comparisons. Alternatively, reduce your overall use of social media. Reduced scrolling will help you reset your expectations for yourself and your relationship, and these expectations will be based on your genuine wants and needs, not how you think you compare to others.
#7. Speak with an expert.
Even if you have the most supportive partner in the world, there are occasions when you need to seek outside assistance. Insecurities might stem from your past, but also your general nature, according to Squyres. “Some people are simply more neurotic, obsessive, ruminative, or self-conscious.”
So, if you’ve done everything above and still don’t feel better, Orbuch suggests consulting a therapist or coach. Then you may define goals and devise change tactics together. Speaking with a professional might also help you see and deal with your relationship insecurities from a different perspective.
It can be uncomfortable and nerve-wracking to live with insecurity. It might be tough to believe you are deserving of love and care, and it can make it difficult to function in a relationship. When you don’t trust your partner or your relationship, you may engage in unhealthy activities that endanger your relationship. Understanding your worries, discussing openly with your spouse your thoughts, and obtaining professional treatment if necessary can all help you deal with insecurities and create a stronger relationship dynamic.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I stop being jealous and insecure?
Here are some strategies for dealing with jealousy and determining what’s causing your sentiments.
- Retrace your steps back to the source.
- Speak up about your worries.
- Speak with a buddy you can trust.
- Give jealousy a new lease on life.
- Take the big picture into account.
- Gratitude for what you have is a good thing to practice.
- Practice coping strategies that can be used at the moment.
How do I become more secure?
Here are some tips for becoming more self-assured and achieving your goals.
- Take a look around. Everything you’re good at should be written down or typed out.
- Learn to take compliments. It’s fine to be complimented.
- Read, read, read.
- Experiment with new ideas.
- Get in shape.
- Surround yourself with people who will help you.
- Make your wardrobe more interesting.
How does an insecure person behave?
Insecurity is characterized by a sense of inadequacy (not being good enough) and apprehension. It causes you to be concerned about your goals, relationships, and ability to deal with specific events. Insecurity affects everyone at some point in their lives. It can manifest itself in any aspect of life and be caused by a multitude of factors.
What are signs of insecurity in a woman?
Women may appear more insecure than men in many ways as a result of these differences, but their insecurities are often simply more visible.
- Requesting affirmation or compliments regularly.
- Check for excessive weight.
- Jealousy and clinging behavior
- Controlling one’s actions.
- Extremely competitive behavior.
- I’m aiming to be a high achiever.