I frequently hear from people who want to create or rebuild trust in a meaningful connection, whether it’s a sexual relationship or a relationship with a friend or family member, in my therapy practice and in my advice column. One of the most important components of becoming emotionally intimate with someone is trust; it is definitely necessary for a good, deep connection.
Yet it is significantly easier to lose trust than it is to regain it, and it takes far less time. Rebuilding trust, like establishing it in the first place, takes time, patience, and effort. However, if both parties are motivated, it is possible. Are you willing to put in the effort in exchange for a large potential reward? If that’s the case, follow these steps to learn how to trust someone.
How to Trust Someone
Carthage Buckley (n.d.), a stress and performance coach, offered the following advice on how to trust someone. Her advice on how to trust someone is as follows:
1. Keep your word and do what you say you’re going to do.
The goal of establishing trust is for others to believe what you say. Meet in mind, though, that earning someone’s trust necessitates not only keeping your commitments, but also not creating promises you can’t keep.
Keeping your word demonstrates to people what you expect from them, and as a result, they will be more likely to treat you with respect, resulting in increased trust.
2. Learn how to properly communicate with others.
Relationships fail for a variety of reasons, one of which is a lack of communication. Being explicit about what you have or have not committed to, as well as what has been agreed upon, is an important part of good communication.
It takes a lot of courage to gain someone’s trust. It entails letting you and others to take risks in order to establish trustworthiness. Effective communication is essential for navigating this. You might find that the messages you planned to send aren’t the ones that are received if you don’t have it.
3. Remind yourself that trust takes time to develop and earn.
It takes a continuous commitment to earn someone’s trust. Make sure you’re not expecting too much too soon. Take baby steps and make little commitments to begin building trust, and as trust increases, you will feel more at comfortable making and accepting larger obligations. Put your trust in others, and they will in turn trust you.
4. Take your time to make judgments and consider your options before moving hastily.
Make just those obligations to which you are willing to agree. Have the fortitude to say “no,” even if it hurts someone’s feelings. Everyone loses when you agree to something and then don’t follow through.
Keep track of your commitments and be clear about what you have on your plate. Building trust with family, friends, and coworkers necessitates being organized. It allows you to decide whether or not to consent to requests for your time and energy.
5. Don’t take your relationships for granted; they’re valuable.
Consistency is frequently associated with trust. People that are there for us continuously in good times and bad tend to have the most trust in us. Showing someone that you’re there for them on a regular basis is an excellent strategy to gain their trust.
6. Develop your teamwork abilities and be willing to share your ideas.
People are more inclined to appreciate and trust you if you participate actively in a team and contribute. It’s also critical to demonstrate your readiness to trust others while creating trust in a team.
This is demonstrated through being open and willing to contribute and interact. In other words, listen carefully to what others have to say, demonstrate active listening, respectfully provide your opinions and feedback, and show that you want to be a part of the team.
7. Always be truthful.
Always, your trustworthiness will be tarnished if you are discovered telling a falsehood, no matter how tiny.
8. When you have the opportunity, assist others.
Helping someone else, even if you don’t get anything in return, fosters trust. Genuine compassion contributes to the development of trust.
9. Don’t keep your emotions hidden.
Being honest about your feelings is a powerful technique to gain someone’s trust. Furthermore, people are more likely to trust you if they know you care. When it comes to gaining someone’s trust, emotional intelligence is important. Acknowledging your feelings, learning from them, and acting on what you’ve learned means you won’t deny reality—and that’s the key to creating trust.
10. Don’t always market yourself.
Acknowledgment and appreciation go a long way in establishing trust and maintaining positive relationships. Recognizing and recognizing others’ contributions demonstrates your leadership and collaborative skills, as well as increases others’ trust in you. People who do not express gratitude for a nice deed, on the other hand, appear selfish. Selfishness is the enemy of trust.
11. Always do what you think is right.
When you do anything just for the sake of gaining favor, you are abandoning your own ideals and beliefs. This erodes your trust in yourself, your principles, and your convictions. Others will admire your honesty if you always do what you believe is right, even if others disagree.
Surprisingly, you must be willing to anger individuals on occasion when gaining trust. People are wary of people who say whatever they think others want to hear.
12. Accept responsibility for your errors.
People can tell when you’re lying when you try to disguise your blunders. Being transparent reveals your vulnerable side, which aids in the development of trust with others.
This is because people see you as more like them—after all, everyone makes errors. You’ll make it harder for others to trust you if you act as if you never make mistakes since you’ve constructed an unneeded barrier between you and them. People are unlikely to trust you if all they see is the “perfection” you project.
How to Trust Someone Again
Here are some suggestions to help you decide whether or not to trust someone again after a traumatic incident.
1. Accept Vulnerability
One of your biggest assets is your vulnerability. We, humans, have a tendency to feel that putting ourselves out there and being vulnerable puts us at risk, yet the opposite is actually true. You miss out on so much if you don’t put yourself out there and take risks. Life is messy, but it must be in order for it to be worthwhile.
Building protective walls to hide behind – emotionally speaking – may seem like a smart idea, but those barriers don’t distinguish between happy and negative emotions. A life that is sure to be devoid of betrayal is equally certain to be devoid of love. Love is deciding to put your heart in someone else’s hands.
2. Learn To trust In Yourself
You must first trust yourself before you can trust another person. Have faith in your judgment and ability to make wise decisions. Just because someone you care about has injured you does not indicate you have a bad judgment or that letting them in was a mistake.
Your instincts are strong, and you should not dismiss them based on this one incident. Today, tomorrow, and every day, pay to listen to your intuition and trust yourself. Examining all of the decisions you’ve made that have resulted in excellent consequences is a fantastic exercise to attempt if you want to regain your trust in yourself.
3. Make the decision to forgive.
It is critical to forgive. You don’t have to forgive the person who injured you (though doing so can be beneficial), but you should forgive yourself. It’s normal to hold yourself responsible for enabling someone to injure you. You may believe that allowing it was a mistake or that you should have known better.
Remember how brave you were to allow yourself to be vulnerable in the first place. You are not to blame for the acts of others. You behaved in the best interests of others. You kept your end of the agreement in the relationship.
4. Allow yourself time to grieve.
Yes, being harmed by someone necessitates the completion of the grieving process. You’re lamenting the end of your relationship with that person. You’re mourning for the person you thought you knew but who turned out to be someone else. You’re lamenting the life you had with them and the life you hoped to have with them in the future.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance are the five stages of grief that most people go through. None of these stages should be fought because they are natural and necessary.
5. Don’t Keep Calling Yourself a Victim.
It’s all too easy to feel sorry for yourself when you’ve been injured. Try to finish it quickly, even if you need a day or two to lay in bed eating ice cream and sobbing to sad love stories on TV. It won’t assist you to get rid of the discomfort.
Allowing oneself to linger in the sting of betrayal is a bad idea. You make yourself a victim if you only focus on blaming the other person. And, yes, they may have acted in ways that have harmed you or broken your trust, but it is all their fault — not yours. You are not a victim of their actions. You are not the one who has been victimized. You are not a helpless victim.
6. Maintain High Expectations
You don’t have to decrease your expectations in the future just because someone you care about has mistreated you. In fact, you should maintain or even boost your expectations! Don’t accept future betrayal or infidelity because you’ve grown accustomed to it, believe you deserve it, or believe it’s an inevitable part of any relationship. Make your feelings about trust known to any potential partners, and make it obvious that you will not tolerate any betrayal of that trust.
7. Leave the past in the past
Recognize that your history is not the same as your future. One person’s terrible behavior does not represent all of humanity. While it’s prudent to avoid the same types of individuals and situations that betrayed your trust in the past, you should never let your hopes for the future be tainted by your past experiences. Observe your actions and be on the lookout for any signs that your past experiences are influencing how you react to people now.
8. Think about the alternatives.
Consider what it would be like to live a life without love and connection. Doesn’t exactly scream “attractive” to you, does it? The fact that the alternative is worse is maybe the best incentive to learn to trust someone again. Life loses a lot of its luster and vigor without meaningful relationships.
9. Think about all of the possibilities for the future.
Sure, you adored the previous individual. But it’s evident that fate has something else in mind for you. It may be difficult for you to consider right now, but there is someone better for you out there. Concentrate on the people you’ll meet in the future. Perhaps one relationship terminated in order for a new one to begin.
Consider all of the firsts to come: the first time you saw someone, the first words you said to them, the first butterflies you felt, the first kiss, the first time you realized you were in love with them.
10. Tell us about yourself.
When you do discover that special someone and are ready to trust them, make sure you communicate openly about your past heartbreak and your fear of future heartbreak. It’s not only helpful to communicate openly at the start of a new relationship; you can also discover that the new person has a similar narrative and anxieties.
After a period of intense pain, relearning to be vulnerable and trust someone can seem nearly impossible. You may believe that staying alone with the only person you can truly trust is preferable (yourself).
How to Trust Someone again after they hurt you
At some point in our lives, most of us have felt that our trust has been betrayed. Needless to say, these events can be excruciatingly painful. Maybe we’re still afraid to trust someone. “Who can I trust?” we wonder, “and how do I know I can trust someone?”
Trust, on the other hand, is something we can’t just ignore. It’s a vital component of our relationships; some refer to it as the basis. It’s extremely difficult to settle in and simply love without it. I’m going to discuss eight truths regarding how to trust someone:
1. Recognize that broken trust is a universal problem.
Let’s start with the unavoidable truth: we all have reasons to be suspicious of others. What I mean is that we’ve all experienced feelings of betrayal, disappointment, rejection, fear, and abandonment. We’ve all suffered in some fashion, and we’ve all experienced heartbreak in our relationships. We’re all in the same boat, basically. This is something I say since it’s reassuring to know we’re not alone. (People, we’re all in this together!) We’ve all been injured before, and we’re all trying to stop it from happening again.
2. You should not rely on “trust” to protect yourself.
We usually try to avoid being hurt in relationships by not trusting until we are certain we are safe. Trusting becomes a protective mechanism: if someone “earns” our trust, we will readily give it to them.
And this is where the issue arises. Because there are no assurances in life. When we urge someone to “gain our trust,” we’re usually asking them not to make any blunders or make us feel uncomfortable. And this is a near-impossible undertaking.
3. It’s fine if trust doesn’t come with guarantees.
Unfortunately, guarantees do not exist in relationships (computers do, but people do not). And there are no assurances in our romantic relationships. That’s really too complicated for us. In fact—and you’re not going to like this—you can almost certainly expect to be hurt by the people you care about at some point.
4. Finding the perfect, trustworthy individual is not the goal of trust.
Signing up to get through hurt when it occurs is what trust is all about. When we look at trust from this perspective, it becomes much simpler to trust. We go from trying to avoid getting harmed (which is impossible) to realizing that we can get through everything that comes our way. This makes us feel more in control and, as a result, more trusting and less scared.
5. Past wrongdoing does not warrant future distrust.
When we use prior events as justifications for never trusting again, we are simply harming ourselves. Again, we all have reasons to be suspicious of others. We’ve all got a to-do list! However, isolating ourselves from one another simply serves to exacerbate the problem—it does not keep us secure; it makes us lonely.
6. The antidote to trust concerns is faith.
What can you do to overcome your lack of trust? You have the ability to make an informed decision and take action. That’s correct. Take a chance and believe in yourself. When you decide to trust someone, you are expressing your belief in their honesty. Knowing that this person’s motives are ultimately good is what trust is all about. It also implies that you are aware that they will make mistakes. However, it is possible to have a solid bond.
7. In a relationship, you, too, will fall short.
We make mistakes when we’re scared. By mistakes, I mean when we cause harm to others or when we do not act with the highest level of integrity. We act out because we are afraid. And if you’re being honest with yourself, you’ve probably done the same thing. It’s a pity, but it’s true.
If we could all recognize this and approach others (and ourselves) with compassion rather than condemnation when we act out, the world would be a very different place—and our relationships would be filled with a lot more trust.
8. Interior trust is the foundation for exterior trust.
When we put our trust in ourselves first, we can deal with the mistakes of others with a little more grace and ease. It will be easier to trust if you know that no matter what happens—what your partner does, what challenges arise—you will be fine.
You understand that trust isn’t about never experiencing another unpleasant emotion; it’s about believing that you can handle anything life throws at you. That will help you gain someone’s trust.
How to Trust Someone After Cheating
Your boyfriend cheated on you, which is one of the worst things that can happen in a relationship. Even if you’re heartbroken, you’re willing to give them another chance.
However, you’re concerned that after cheating, you won’t be able to trust anyone.
What happens when trust is shattered in a healthy relationship? You must work as hard as you can to re-establish that trust. How do you go about doing that? It isn’t going to be easy. It is, nonetheless, doable.
In reality, recent studies show that 60 to 75 percent of couples stay together after an affair. However, you don’t want to stand out just for the sake of standing out. You want your relationship to be the same way it was before: loving and trusting. How do you go about doing this? Continue reading to understand how to recover someone’s trust after they’ve cheated on you.
1. Allow yourself to be vulnerable with your feelings.
When someone is betrayed, they may try to keep their feelings bottled up inside, believing that this is somehow “going the high road.” While we don’t recommend yelling at your partner at the top of your lungs, it is important to wear your heart on your sleeve and let your partner know how you feel about their cheating. Don’t be scared to cry, grieve, or talk to your partner about your pain.
2. Don’t Ignore What Has Taken Place
Even worse than suppressing your feelings is fully ignoring the situation. If you do this, the elephant in the room will always be present, and you will never be able to rebuild your trust. And you’ll never get to the bottom of your relationship’s basic problem.
This isn’t to argue that you’re to blame for your partner’s infidelity. However, there may be an issue that, if addressed, would strengthen your relationship a millionfold.
3. Don’t Become a Partner in a Helicopter
Helicopter parents are well-known. However, partners can also be helicopters. Many couples make the mistake of assuming that gaining trust entails constantly watching their partner. As tempting as it may seem, doing so will only serve to undermine trust in the long run.
You’re not creating trust if you’re constantly reviewing your partner’s messages and emails, checking in with them a million times a day, following their phone, or indulging in any other behavior that entails keeping a tight eye on them. All you’re doing is sending them a consistent message that you don’t trust them.
4. Keep an eye on the present and the future.
When you’ve been duped, it’s easy to get stuck in a rut of living in the past, obsessing on the occurrence, and feeling sorry for yourself because of what happened.
However, after cheating, this is not the way to rebuild trust. You must put forth your best effort to focus on the present and future in order to re-establish trust. Instead of concentrating on what you or your partner could have done to prevent cheating, concentrate on what you can do now and in the future to strengthen your relationship.
5. Go to the Counseling Center.
One extremely practical method to restoring trust in your relationship is to go to counseling. Sometimes, all it takes is an objective third party to assist you to figure out how to get your relationship back on track. While chatting to friends or relatives might be beneficial, they can sometimes have a detrimental impact. This is because they care about you and don’t want to see you suffer. As a result, they have personal prejudices that will distort their judgment in this case.
6. Have faith in yourself.
You’ll never be able to trust your lover if you can’t trust yourself. Frequently, the partner who has been cheated on begins to have concerns about themselves. If you find yourself wondering, “Should I have done something differently?” ” or “Should I have predicted this?” “, you must first take a step back.
Remind yourself that you’re smart, that you can trust your own feelings, and that everything will work out in the end. It’s also important to remind yourself that you could survive if your partner betrayed you again. Only when you have complete trust in yourself can you have complete trust in your mate.
7. Discuss the topic of communication.
In many cases, couples who have experienced cheating had communication issues prior to the cheating. This isn’t to argue that bad communication is a justification to cheat, but it can assist your relationship to grow stronger. While there is much debate on why people cheat, it usually stems from one partner’s feeling that their needs aren’t being addressed.
How to Trust Someone Again After Lying
Don’t give up hope just yet if you’re wondering if you can save the relationship that means so much to you. There is, hopefully, a way where there is a will. True, the fissures may be too deep to repair, and it may be too late. And even if you can rescue it, you’ll have to put in a lot of effort.
If you’re willing to put forth the effort and commitment, as well as accept responsibility for what you’ve done, your relationship may come back fighting, and even stronger than before. Here are a few basic considerations that can aid in the restoration of trust and the healing of a relationship.
1. Place your cards face down on the table.
If you’ve betrayed the relationship’s trust, you must admit it and accept responsibility for your actions. Things must be laid out clearly so that you and your partner are both aware of what has occurred and where you stand.
If you’ve been unfaithful, don’t tell them the specifics unless they directly request them. In that case, you should be forthright. The old adage that “honesty is the best policy” rings truer than ever in situations like this. Even small lies you tell from now on may lead your partner to believe you’re concealing something.
2. Consider the following
Your partner will want to know why you did what you did in order to regain their trust. So you need to have a good long thought about what motivated you to betray their trust. Don’t be afraid to face the hard truths and be completely honest with yourself. The only way to solve this issue is to confront it head-on.
Keep in mind that you’re not trying to justify yourself or assign blame to someone else. You’re trying to figure out why you’re acting the way you are so you can explain it to your partner and avoid repeating the pattern.
3. Apologize
Don’t try to excuse yourself when you tell your lover the truth. Please accept my heartfelt apologies. And I don’t just mean that. Maintain eye contact and make sure your body language corresponds to the words you’re saying. If you claim you’ll never do it again, make sure you’re telling the truth from your heart.
If you think you’ll be repeating this behavior, you should think about whether the relationship is suited for you or whether you’d be better off going your separate ways.
4. Listen
Allow them to vent after you’ve apologized and been completely honest with them. It may take some time for them to comprehend what you’ve said, but once they are, pay attention to whatever they have to say about the matter.
Pay close attention to the items they claim they’ll require from you in the future, as well as the reasons why.
5. Seek professional assistance.
In a case like this, having a therapist on your side and a couples’ counselor on your side can be really advantageous. Individual therapy sessions can assist you in determining why you did what you did and what your needs are.
If you find yourself lying excessively and can’t seem to break the habit, seeing a therapist can help you figure out why and how to stop. Otherwise, your relationship will suffer, as repeated instances of lying can drive even the most forgiving partners away.
6. It’ll take some time
Don’t fool yourself into thinking that your partner won’t need time to process this. And don’t put any kind of pressure on them to trust you again before they’re ready. Depending on the seriousness of the deception and your partner’s nature, it could take a long time for them to absorb things and forgive you, and that’s normal.
7. They aren’t going to feel sorry for you
Sure, you’re going to have a difficult time, but you brought it on yourself, and it’s not your partner’s responsibility to make you feel better. If you need to vent or have someone to cry to, talk to your therapist or a friend whose advice you trust.
8. Be trustworthy
All of your acts are likely to be scrutinized from now on, and you’ll have to accept that. So, please show up. Maintain your word. Follow through on your plans. Give details about where you are and what you’re doing. With the way you act every day, show your partner that they can rely on you.
9. Make no promises that you can’t keep.
Empty promises should be avoided at all costs. Don’t make any promises you aren’t confident you can keep. Any time you break your commitment, it reinforces the perception that you can’t be trusted in your partner’s mind.
10. Allow yourself to be forgiven.
Everyone makes errors, and no one is flawless. Give yourself some credit for what you’ve accomplished and quit hating yourself if you’re actually attempting to make amends and heal the damage you’ve caused. Put your efforts into becoming the trustworthy, honest person you want to be, rather than fretting about what you’ve done.
How to Trust Someone in a Relationship
Mistrust may spread like wildfire across a relationship. Both partners’ trust is the pillar that holds a relationship together, and when it is shaken, disconnection happens. Here are some ideas for how to earn someone’s trust in a relationship:
1. Be honest with yourself, acknowledge your feelings, and practice being vulnerable.
Ask for reassurance from your partner if you need it. Let them know if you’re feeling insecure. Invite them to get to know you, how they affect you, and how you want to affect them. Make your hopes, worries, and dreams known.
2. Assume your partner’s motives are good.
It’s possible that they didn’t mean to let you down; sometimes people just make mistakes. Don’t assume they’re out to get you right away; it’s fine to have doubts about their motives but keep in mind that it could all be a mistake.
3. Be open and honest about important concerns in your relationship.
Every day, check-in with each other, turn towards one other, and reflect on how things are going. If you have a problem in your relationship, don’t wait for it to get worse; address it right away. Start small, speak from the “I” (I feel, I notice, I wonder), and keep your options open.
4. Recognize how previous wrongdoings can lead to mistrust in the present.
Consider whether your lack of trust is the result of my partner’s actions, my own fears, or both. Be conscious of any unresolved issues from previous relationships that may be causing mistrust now.
5. Pay attention to what your partner has to say.
Take a look out their window. Make room for the question, “How did you see this situation?” What is your point of view? What effect did it have on you? How did you feel about it?
6. Trust in yourself.
Have faith in your own observations (while also balancing them against previous experiences) and be aware of red signals. Don’t ignore your gut instinct if it’s telling you something. Say it out loud. That is a good question to ask. If you let it fester, it will become a thorn in your relationship’s side.
7. After an argument, practice mending.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed or swamped, take a break and set aside some time to analyze what’s happened. This will allow you to relax and organize your thoughts, allowing you to have a more meaningful conversation with your companion.
8. It is not necessary to express your needs.
When our partners fail to meet our wants, we become enraged and frustrated. But have you considered whether you’ve made this need really clear? Have I told them how they’ll be able to meet it? “Most of the time, our partners aren’t minded readers, so we have to teach them how to meet our needs.”
Learning How to Trust Someone
It can be a frightening experience. After all, when you start to trust someone, you’re not just learning to rely on them; you’re also relinquishing some of your self-reliance skills. Trust might make you feel vulnerable at times.
Furthermore, many people find this challenging because of their previous relationship experiences. It can take even longer to let down those defenses if you’ve been betrayed or let down – or if you grew up in an atmosphere where you had to learn to fend for yourself. It’s natural to be concerned that doing so will expose you to further harm.
Examining the situation
The first thing to mention is that trust is something that cannot be rushed. Sometimes all it takes is a little patience. If you’re having trouble, it’s possible that you simply need to go at a slower pace and see how you get on.
Simultaneously, consider any reasons you might have for finding it difficult to trust a new spouse. As previously stated, you may be wary because of recollections from previous relationships or your family upbringing.
Finally, trust is about reaching a point where you feel comfortable communicating openly with your partner without fear of being judged or dismissed – a place where you can be yourself and confident in saying exactly how you’re feeling without fear of being judged or dismissed. It’s helpful to keep this in mind as a type of ‘goal.’
Getting in touch with reality
It can be useful to think about positive indications that there is trust in your relationship. Consider this: what concrete evidence do I have that my partner wants to make me feel loved, valued, and safe? You may do a ‘inventory’ of sorts. Could you trust them if you had to ask them to perform something for you, for example? Trying to connect how you’re feeling with reality will help you tackle any concerns and release them. They may have as much to do with your anxieties or worries as they do with what’s going on between you and your partner.
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Finally, these challenges might stem from a poor perspective of ourselves – even going as far as not being able to trust because we’re not convinced we’re worthy of being loved. You may prefer to think along similar lines – to test your negative version of yourself. Are you avoiding them because their affection makes you feel threatened? Again, this is about connecting how you’re feeling to reality: how much of how you’re feeling is related to what’s going on in the relationship?
Conclusion
It’s not about picking the right person to trust. I mean, it’s a choice, so don’t make hasty decisions. But keep in mind that you are not entering into a relationship with a robot; you are entering into a relationship with another human person.
What you are saying when you choose to trust someone is; “I know that deep down you are a good person with good intentions. I know you are going to get scared and lose it from time to time; I will try to support you and/or act with compassion when that happens. And I know that ultimately, my well-being is up to me.”
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is it so difficult to trust?
They can be caused by abuse, social rejection, or simply a lack of self-esteem. Low self-esteem makes people less likely to trust others. It could also be the result of an infidelity-filled past romantic relationship. Depression, anxiety, fear of abandonment, and attachment disorders are all linked to trust issues.
Can you love someone and not trust them?
How can you love someone if you don’t trust them? Love comes before trust; we can only truly love someone we can trust. Trust is something you acquire by your actions. It isn’t true love if someone can break your trust in any way, shape, or form.
