Every marriage has its ups and downs. However, when conflicts arise it is expected to be resolved, but sometimes, you want a divorce. Life-changing decisions are worthy of planning and thoughtfulness. You have to be sure this is what you want, after trying different methods in saving your marriage but it’s to no avail.
No one walks down the aisle with his or her partner just to end up divorcing them. However, when the marriage becomes too overbearing and unhappy, the four words “I want a divorce.” Is said. Making this decision is tough, and it is even tougher when your partner is trying to fix things.
Although the process is painful you have to tell your partner calmly. You need to consider yourself and her well-being. There are no two ways about saying this to her without getting a series of mixed reactions. In most cases, courtrooms are involved, splitting wealth is involved, co-parenting is involved, few to name.
Here are steps to guide you in asking for a divorce.
FIND AN APPROPRIATE LOCATION/PLACE
You want to break the news to your partner; you need to do this in a private and quiet space. Do not have this discussion in a public space, especially one with a crowd, or have it in the house when the kids are around. In this way, both parties can have this discussion without interruption.
PLAN WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO SAY
Ensure you’ve given this decision a thorough thought before telling your partner. You should be firm in whatever you say, if you are hesitating, she might feel there is still room for reconciliation and you do not want that. Expect questions from your partner and be ready to answer all of them. You should give a valid reason why you chose divorce as the resort to the marriage.
DO NOT PLAY THE BLAME CARD
Choose your words wisely when conversing with your partner. Do not start pointing fingers and accusing your spouse of their shortcomings which is making everything resort to divorce when she could have prevented it from the onset. There’s no need to make it worse or make her feel bad in addition to the news. Avoid any form of blaming your spouse.
You know your spouse better than anyone and you know how she often handles situations. It will be unfair if you pop out the words “I want a divorce” when she is going through an emotional period or stressed. This will only make you inconsiderate. Telling your wife, you want a divorce brings a lot of emotions to play, so don’t worsen it by telling her at the wrong time.
After telling your partner you opt for a divorce, avoid going into full details of how you have already planned the whole divorce situation. For example, who the kids will spend the holidays with, how you have gotten a new apartment or how you have started looking for a new apartment. This will be overwhelming, especially when she doesn’t want it or she’s just hearing about it for the first time. Show emotions and be considerate.
STATE WHY YOU’RE UNHAPPY
Before a marriage leads to divorce, the couple must have been unhappy for a while and if the divorce is one-sided, the party involved must have been unhappy for a while. You need to state why you’re unhappy in the relationship and make your partner see the situation from your point of view. Expressing your unhappiness in the marriage validates your feelings.
GET A PROFESSIONAL VIEW
If divorce is what you want, you can get a professional view such as a therapist or counselor in guiding you while you journey through making your intentions known to your spouse. Seeking a professional view can help validate your feelings.
DO NOT TRY TO CONTROL THE OUTCOME
After your intentions and thoughts have been made known, let your partner digest and process the whole situation at her pace. Do your best to hear your spouse out and see things from her perspective. It is okay for your spouse’s feelings and judgment not to align with your own. Your spouse may not be where you are emotionally and may have not thought of ending the marriage. This is a life-changing moment for both you and your spouse. Acknowledge the other party’s feelings and reactions.
CONSIDER A TEAM APPROACH
Divorce does not have to be a battle or a hate affair. You should consider working with your partner. However, you should do this on mutual terms and agreements. Rather than focusing on the fact that you are separating, you can both discuss how to make the whole process easy and work. But, remember your partner might not be on the same emotional level as you and that’s okay. Do not rush your spouse.
DON’T GET DEFENSIVE
Your spouse might be contrary to your thoughts and reasons, but that should not throw you off balance and make you want to get all defensive as to why your reasons are valid. You should understand that this was your decision and not the other way round. So, you should be ready for whatever scene and expression you get. Getting defensive will only aggravate the situation.
HOW TO TELL YOUR WIFE YOU WANT A DIVORCE WHEN SHE DOESN’T
Sometimes divorce is the best way to put an end to the unhappiness in a marriage. Although it may not be of mutual acknowledgment, you have to make your intentions known to your partner once you have decided you are going through with the divorce. You will find yourself wondering how to divorce your wife, especially when she does not want it and she is trying all means to fix it.
Is it possible to divorce your wife when she doesn’t want it? Yes, it is possible but it needs a little more time and finesse.
Here’s a guide on how to divorce your wife when she doesn’t want it.
MAKE IT CLEAR THAT DIVORCE IS UNAVOIDABLE
You should be firm in your words and careful of your choice of words. Let your partner understand that this is what you want and make her see how this will be a good decision for both of you in the long run. She may suggest therapy, support group, counseling, and other ways to fix the marriage.
However, you should let her know this is your decision and that you’ve given it a thorough thought before discussing it with her. On the other hand, going to therapy might be of help. It will provide both parties a safe space to deal with the news and express their emotions and thoughts freely. In the process, be kind to your wife as she processes and accepts the reality of the divorce.
GIVE IT TIME
While you might have recovered from the thought of ending your marriage with your spouse because you’ve been brooding over it. The news may come to her as a shock and she becomes reluctant to agree to the divorce even if she knows the marriage has been lopsided for quite some time. Give your spouse time to articulate and process her emotions. It may take more time for her to process the whole situation but take a step back and let her be.
TELL YOUR WIFE THAT MEDIATION IS THE BEST WAY
Tell your wife that you want the divorce to be as peaceful and amicable as possible. Mediation is the best way to achieve this. It gives room for open communication, beneficial agreement, and positive conflict resolution. It plays a positive role in the lives of the children (if you have one).
A good mediator will help you both in reaching a mutual agreement and put both parties’ interests into consideration. But the mediation process is a voluntary action so you and your spouse should be willing to mediate.
After this discussion, if your wife still disagrees with your choice you are left with no other option than to litigate.
Litigation should be the last resort in telling your wife you want a divorce when she doesn’t because it comes with a lot of negative energy, paying an attorney, courtrooms, time-wasting, spending money and it will hurt the kids.
To sum up, everyone wants a happy, healthy, life-long marriage but sometimes this doesn’t come to fruition. Deciding you want a divorce is a hard conclusion and telling your partner is harder. But, at the end of the day, you have to make your intentions known.
HOW TO TELL YOUR WIFE YOU WANT A DIVORCE FAQS
Should litigation be the first step I take to tell my wife I want a divorce?
No, it should not be the first step. You and your spouse should have at least had a proper discussion before it resorts to the courtroom.
Am I a bad person because I want a divorce and my wife doesn’t want it?
You wanting a divorce does not make you a bad person. You should know your reasons are valid and so are your spouse’s reasons valid for not wanting a divorce but both parties have to come to a mutual conclusion.
How do I start the conversation “I want a divorce”?
Starting the conversation “I want a divorce” may shock your spouse. Therefore, you should start it in a very calm and peaceful manner. Begin by explaining your unhappiness in the marriage and why you want a divorce.
Do I have to consider my partner before getting a divorce?
Yes, you need to consider and relate to your partner before getting a divorce regardless if they want it or not.
What do I do if my wife is unwilling to divorce?
You have to understand that she is still trying to fix the marriage, but make it clear to her that you have made up your mind and you want a divorce. If she still insists on fixing the marriage, you can litigate.