Porn can be a contentious issue in romantic relationships; in part because most people watch porn in private, without ever discussing it with their partners. Which begs the question: Is watching porn a form of cheating? It’s a difficult question, so we enlisted the help of sex therapists.
What Is Porn?
Pornography is difficult to define because different people interpret it differently. It most commonly refers to sexually explicit printed or visual materials; (such as videos, pictures, or writings) designed to arouse sexual desire.
Porn is far more easily and widely available now than it was previously. There is also a wide range of what might be considered porn, ranging from woman-centered erotica to harmful material; depicting brutality, violence, or child abuse.
Benefits of Porn
People’s attitudes toward porn influence how beneficial it is for them, and those who use it regularly tend to feel more positively about the role it plays in their lives. They define it as something that:
- Improves their sexual awareness
- It changes their attitudes toward sex.
- It improves their overall quality of life.
Masturbation, which has its own set of health benefits, is the most common use of porn. Masturbation, in general, can help people feel more at ease with their bodies, sexuality, and sexual fantasies. More frequent ejaculation (including masturbation) in men may improve prostate health and lead to lower rates of prostate cancer.
Pornography (and masturbation) can also give you an outlet to explore your body and sexuality; which can be an empowering and confidence-boosting experience. This aspect of porn appears to benefit women in particular.
Porn can also be beneficial to members of the LGBTQ community; as long as it represents their perspectives and isn’t solely focused on heterosexual relationships.
Watching porn together may be beneficial to some couples’ relationships. Assuming that both partners have the same positive attitude toward porn, and that does it indicate that they are cheating on their partners. According to one study, people who watched pornography with their partner had a higher-quality relationship with better communication; sexual satisfaction, and commitment than people who watched porn alone.
Risks
Exposure to any form of sexual media, even if it is not pornographic, can influence your sexual attitudes and behavior. This can cause issues whenever you see a film, TV show, or work of fiction that unrealistically depicts sex; but it also makes certain types of porn more concerning.
Porn that promotes unrealistic body images, risky or unsafe sexual behavior, sexism, or violence may be especially harmful. This is especially problematic for adolescents and young adults whose sexuality has not established yet.
Frequent porn use may also result in desensitization to sex—specifically, men who use porn more frequently show less activity in brain areas that normally activate during sex. It’s unclear whether this is due to porn or whether men who are already desensitized to sex are more likely to use porn. Porn should be used sparingly. Porn can be addictive in the same way that other pleasurable activities, such as gambling, can be.
Is Porn Cheating?
Watching porn is not seen as cheating in a relationship, but it can be considered as cheating in some. It is determined by the relationship parameters agreed upon by the partners.
Cheating is an action that violates the agreed-upon boundaries in a relationship. Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, a licensed marriage therapist and board-certified sex therapist, explains that if both parties agree not to view porn and one person does so in secret, it could be considered as cheating. However, Francis emphasizes that watching porn is not a betrayal (cheating) in and of itself. When one person intentionally crosses a line that they have both agree not to cross in the relationship, they term it as a betrayal.
Of course, many couples never explicitly discussed porn before getting together—and this lack of transparency can lead to hurt feelings. “Often, this question isn’t even brought up, so when one partner discovers the other is watching porn, they feel betrayed but not cheating in this instants,” says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, a licensed marriage therapist and AASECT-certified sex therapist.
Part of the misunderstanding stems from preconceived notions about what it means to be in a monogamous relationship: Some people believe that being sexually exclusive means that porn is forbidden. Others, on the other hand, see porn as a more personal, solo sexual activity that isn’t related to cheating because it doesn’t involve other people. There is no right or wrong answer here; it simply depends on how the individuals in a given relationship see it and what they agree on for the future.
The Difficulty of Demonizing Porn.
In a relationship, everyone is free to set boundaries. At the same time, Francis emphasizes the importance of not creating a hostile culture around a partner’s natural desires, which can be even worse for the relationship than the actual porn.
“Most people have been taught to regard porn (and any other form of self-centered pleasure) as a commentary on relationship -sexual satisfaction or, at worst, a threat to partnered pleasure.” “This misunderstanding makes the landscape of desire dangerous and is often more damaging to the relationship than the porn viewing itself,” Francis explains.
“Arousal isn’t a danger. People can still choose what they do with their time, attention, and, yes, genitals. Partners have no control over their partners’ behavior; you have no control over anyone else’s body. Even if the behavior reflects a value difference, you cannot force or mandate another person’s relationship to their body unless they have agreed not to watch porn themselves. This creates unhealthy power dynamics, reinforces a culture of surveillance and insecurity in relationships, and is deeply shameful involves both parties.”
That means that the solution to disagreements about porn use isn’t always to force the person to stop watching porn—this rarely works, and it can often make matters worse.
“Even if the person says they’ll give it up, they probably won’t, so this dynamic doesn’t work anyway,” Richmond explains. “No one wants to be under control, and our partner’s mind and body are not ours to possess.” There must be open communication about what porn means to both parties, as well as a collaborative agreement in the future, as well as an attempt to meet in the middle.”
Can Porn Have a Negative Impact on a Relationship?
“Yes, watching porn can hurt a relationship, but it’s not always because it’s ‘cheating.’ It’s because the couple hasn’t discussed why they want to or don’t want to watch porn and what porn means to them,” Richmond explains. “The risk to the relationship isn’t porn; it’s not talking about it.”
In general, research on the effects of watching porn has yielded conflicting results. Many studies have found that porn is associated with lower relationship satisfaction, while others have found that porn has no or even positive effects on couples’ sex lives. One of the most common concerns about porn use in relationships is that the person is watching porn because they are unhappy with their partner’s sex life. However, according to Francis, that anxiety is frequently rooted in their partner’s insecurities about their desirability.
“This topic has the potential to spark some very meaningful conversations within relationships,” she says. “More than porn, couples frequently need to resolve conflicts over the infrequency of sex; the types of sex being had (or not), or unmet needs for reassurance about their desirability.”
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Signs that Porn is Having a Negative Impact on Your Relationship
According to Richmond, the following are some signs that your porn use is affecting your relationship:
- You’re concealing your porn use from your partner because you believe or know they won’t approve.
- Your or your partner’s erotic energy is being directed solely toward porn, resulting in a sexless or low-sex relationship.
- Any of you expect sex with your partner to resemble sex in porn.
- Either you or your partner attempt to “perform” during sex in order to meet pornographic standards.
- You don’t feel like you can ask for what you want in bed; you feel pressured to imitate what you see in porn.
How to talk about porn with your partner.
If you watch porn and don’t know how your partner feels about it, Richmond recommends having a conversation about it. Here’s an easy way to start a conversation:
“I was reading an article about watching porn in relationships and realized we’d never really discussed it. I don’t like keeping secrets, so I thought we should talk about it and see how we both feel about it.”
It can be useful to explain why you watch porn, whether it’s for a quick physical release, a way to explore fantasies or whatever else. It will also be necessary to reassure your partner that your porn use has nothing to do with how you feel about them so that they are not concerned. (Alternatively, if it feels related to your feelings about the relationship, bring them up so you can begin working on them together!).
Often, navigating feelings about porn use will require more than one conversation, so give your partner time to process if they need it, and ask questions to understand their feelings about it. Also, take the initiative to ensure that your partner feels secure in the relationship.
What to do if your partner watches porn
1. Engage in a nonjudgmental discussion to better understand each other’s points of view.
A conversation, no matter how awkward it may feel, is required. According to Richmond, it’s critical to understand why your partner watches porn and what they get out of it. “Is it for anxiety relief, boredom relief, mood enhancement, sleep enhancement, novelty, curiosity, exploration, or any of a plethora of other reasons? Again, it is rarely because the porn-watcher is unhappy with their partner or has a desire to cheat.”
Similarly, your feelings about the matter are valid. Explain how you’re feeling now that you’re aware of your partner’s porn. Try to express your feelings without attacking or judging your partner for their porn use. Focus less on persuading each other about who is correct and more on understanding the feelings and needs that each of you is describing.
2. If you can’t talk about it without starting a fight, find someone to assist you.
If you don’t feel comfortable discussing this or other sensitive topics with your partner (money, children), “it may not be a porn issue you’re dealing with,” says Oudyk-Suk. In fact, “perhaps it’s a relationship issue.” If this is the case, consider seeking the assistance of a couples counselor or sex therapist if you are unable to resolve the issue on your own. You can also seek marriage counseling to see if there are any other issues in your marriage that are causing you to use pornography excessively.
3. Do a reality check on yourself.
“Porn is arousing media that shows scenes of actors and performers having fun,” Francis reminds us. “Even if your partner’s point of view does not particularly please you, how does it make you feel to know that they can be turned on by their fantasies? Have you ever been aroused by something that had nothing to do with your partner? If the answer is yes (as it is for the majority of people), this is normal.”
4. Prioritize honesty.
Finding out about a partner’s porn use can be shocking, if not traumatizing because it feels like you’ve been keeping a secret from each other all along. As Richmond points out, secrecy is frequently more harmful than porn use itself.
So, putting the porn aside for a moment, it’s worthwhile to discuss the value of honesty and transparency in your relationship. Why was there such a big secret between you two for so long? How can you create an environment in which your partner feels comfortable sharing intimate details about themselves with you? And how can they reassure you that you can rely on them to be truthful in the future?
5. Evaluate how well each other’s need is met in the relationship.
How close do the two of you feel these days? Is the relationship exciting and passionate? Do you have the impression that your sexual and emotional needs are being met? Do you feel both sexy and desired?
These are all questions that can arise when porn is being mention as cheating, so now is a good time to check in on how the two of you are feeling and what you can do to ensure you both feel super secure in the relationship. When you’re feeling good about your relationship (and your sex life), the question of porn often feels less threatening.
6. Boost your sexual self-esteem.
For many people, learning about a partner’s porn use can exacerbate our insecurities—both about the relationship and about ourselves. “The concern about whether the porn watcher is dissatisfied or disinterested in sex is frequently grounded in their partner’s internalized insecurities; about their desirability,” Francis explains. “Working on your sense of sexual worth and appeal can help alleviate the fear that other people are also sexually appealing.”
Build your sexual self-esteem, connect with your sexual energy, and enjoy the benefits of masturbation for yourself. “Your partner can also help you on this journey,” Francis adds. “How do you make room in your relationship for sexual attention, flirtation, or simply compliments?”
7. Make room for compromise.
According to both Francis and Richmond, asking your partner to stop watching porn is unlikely to be an effective strategy and will only add strain to the relationship. So, instead of ultimatums, look for ways to connect as a couple and breathe new life into your relationship. Request that your partner truly hears and understands your feelings, as well as truly listen and try to understand theirs.
While you may never see eye to eye on porn; there may be opportunities for you to meet somewhere in the middle. Richmond recommends options such as watching porn together (mutual masturbation is a thing!) or even making your own.
Summary
Porn is not unethical. The problems arise when you conceal this from them. Feelings of insecurity and distrust arise at this point might bring the thought of cheating. So, discuss porn with your partner and express your feelings to them. What they’ll say is anyone’s guess. Maybe they’ll want to join you in your fantasy.
Also, keep in mind that porn is not inherently bad, but if you’re having problems; in your relationship as a result of it consider couples counseling or individual therapy. A trained counselor can assist you in better understanding how and why porn is causing problems in your life; and determining a healthy path forward.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is cheating?
Cheating is simply being unfaithful.
Infidelity is a breach of your emotional and/or sexual contract with your partner. By contract, I don’t mean the type you sign on paper (though marriage has something similar), but rather when you fall in love.
