FIGHTING FAIR: The Universal Rules to Fighting Fair in Relationships & Marriage

Fighting Fair

When it comes to fighting everyone is usually involved in one way or the other, but the real question here is “Are we always fighting fair?”- especially in relationships.

It’s simply a mature way to handle conflict and the drama that comes with it efficiently without getting hostile or violent.

In fighting fair the endpoint should come with the aim of improvement both in communication and reactions, which is always difficult to achieve. Here we go through simple tips and rules to help you get by easily and make the right decisions in the end.


Every relationship has its ups and downs, and as it stands you cannot successfully have a relationship that is void of disagreements. One thing, however, that gives it the chance of succeeding is how you handle conflicts.

This is where the rules of fair fighting come in. These rules don’t mean we can’t argue, instead, they afford us a more safe and less violent way to do it; plus when and when not to cross our boundaries.

Take Turns to Speak

Avoid interrupting each other while talking by taking turns to talk about the issues. Give your full attention while your partner speaks. The only thing it requires is your full attention. You can set a timer for each person to speak.

Don’t Discuss Randomly 

When you discuss randomly, chances are you may never get to your desired destination. But when you are specific on the things you should talk about, it’s quite easier to get to somewhere meaningful. List out the pressing subjects you should talk about and stick to them.

Do Not Use Any Degrading Term

Talk about the issue but not the person. No name-calling. When you use degrading terms or phrases, it simply means you want intentionally trying to generate a negative feeling at that point. When this happens, everyone becomes defensive, which often leads to the total neglect of the issue at hand. 

Come to Terms with Your Anger

Are you angry because your partner didn’t wake you up by 6 pm, or are you angry that they didn’t pick up the call when you called? At this point, you really need to sit to think about the main reason for the argument.

Give Some Space When it Gets Heated

Most times it’s better to give some space when the arguments or fighting gets too hot. Leave for a whole and come back when it’s settled then find a common ground to talk about it again, but now in a more subtle way.

No Shouting

Shouting in a conversation sends a message that you’re the only one trying to make a point. Despite how intimidated your partner feels, the main problem is still lying low waiting for the right time to surface itself.

Choose to be the One Compromising 

The thing is, in every misunderstanding or argument, one of the parties will have to take the fall. And that’s where compromising comes in. But if it’s a bit difficult you can take the time to understand your partner, so as to know when and how to avoid some certain arguments.

Fighting Fair in Marriage

It’s absolutely okay to have problems in marriage. It shows you both are connected. It also shows that you are both humans who aren’t scared to air their opinions, fears, and discomfort about any situation; something that’s highly needed in relationships. But this has to be done maturely, which makes fighting fair important. 

But how do you go about this? Below are a few pointers; 

How to Fight Fair in Marriage

Let’s go over 6 tips to ensure you are fighting fair in marriage;

#1. Know that Marital Conflicts are Different

It’s quite easier to have disagreements with someone you’re not living with. Friends may get you angry and the next day you forget about it. Even co-workers may also do the same and you look away. This is because you don’t live in the same space so it is easier to resolve and make up.. or not. With marriage, it’s more complicated. But realizing this beforehand helps you deal with the issue differently.

#2. Let Go of All Grudges

The reason why people get so hurt is basically because of grudges. When you argue with your spouse, let go of the past mistakes, don’t dig them up to prove a point or win.

If there’s something they did that still bothers you, confront them at the right time. If you keep holding unto it you get hurt as the day passes by and might proceed to unforgiveness and bitterness in marriage.

#3. It’s No Competition 

Despite the fight, you have with your partner, have in mind that it’s two of you against the world. So when you argue just know that it shouldn’t exceed that point. Plus, in such scenarios, there are no losers or winners. However, if you insist on winning you might as well just be prepared to lose each other.

#4. Learn to Tender Unreserved Apology

Having peace of mind is an exceptional feeling, most especially with your partner. So it’s something we should always pursue. We often don’t like to own up to our mistakes, to some of us owning up is a sign of defeat and we don’t want to look or feel defeated. The phrase, “I am sorry” very powerful word. Hence, it is important to use it adequately when the situation calls for it. But more importantly, mean it when you say it. 

#5. Do Not Make Assumptions 

Always give room for your partner to explain themselves, because things are not often the way they seem. Do not jump to conclusions without hearing from them. There should be room for them to speak, even when you think they’re wrong.

#6. Do Not Judge Them

Know that judging or criticizing your partner at that moment will only make things worse than it is, which defeats the idea of fighting fair altogether. Noone likes judgmenta people. So can express the way we feel without judging them.

Fighting Fair In Relationships

Every relationship, in one way or another, has experienced issues. But the impact is always greater when they don’t understand that such issues are not to destroy them, but to make them stronger.

Being able to fight fairly during necessary and unnecessary issues guarantees the stability of that relationship.

Here are the things to know about fighting fair in relationships

  1. Don’t be afraid of conflict 
  2. Be open to what you want
  3. Always be attentive
  4. Discover a common ground

How to Fight Fair to Resolve a Conflict

  1. Remain Calm: Sometimes when we keep calm in some situations we may be able to diffuse the issue sooner than expected. Overreacting is no guarantee for peace, rather it escalates the issue.
  1. Don’t point accusing fingers: When you accuse someone for something they did, they initiate a defense rather than understanding your point.
  1. Do not generalize everything: Try not to use these words, “never” “always” “finally”. It sound like trouble and heightens tension.

Conclusively when things seem not to be working as planned, despite how you’ve implemented the fighting fair efforts, see a trained professional. They can you communicate more effectively and probably help you find your path.

What to do when your husband doesn’t fight fair?

If your partner refuses to fight fairly or communicate in an effective manner, you should establish clear boundaries. Make a decision about what you are and are not willing to allow to happen to you in your relationship in terms of the fighting and the communication that takes place. In order for these limits to serve their intended purpose, you will need to strictly enforce them.

What is toxic behavior in a marriage?

A toxic relationship, in its most basic form, is one in which the partners do not support or care for one another. Instead, there is a consistent effort made by one party to undermine the other. And instead of a feeling of support, there is a sense of competitiveness. There are many more negative experiences than there are positive ones.

What does disrespect look like in marriage?

When it comes to relationships, some behaviors that can be considered disrespectful include nagging, criticism, stonewalling, lying, put-downs, pressuring the other person, disloyalty, and threats to end the marriage or the relationship.

Fighting Fair FAQs

What is fighting fair in a relationship?

Fair fighting is a good method to deal with conflict and the feelings that come with it. To fight fairly, all you have to do is follow a few simple rules to keep your conflicts from becoming entrenched or damaging. When you believe another’s point of view is ridiculous, unreasonable, or simply unfair, this might be challenging.

How much is too much fighting in a relationship?

You’re arguing too much if you’re fighting with your spouse every day, if it’s interfering with your ability to connect, or if it’s affecting your life outside of the relationship.

Why do you fight with someone you love?

Loved ones might sometimes do things that harm us or are viewed as a danger. We usually share our concerns about how it might negatively affect us. This can quickly escalate into a conflict, which can be exhausting but can also lead to mutual agreement. 

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