We don’t want to be subjected to aggressive communication, but it’s a fact of life, especially when dealing with another person. We have all experienced aggression, whether from our own family, our boss or coworkers, or even our spouse or partner.
Aggressive communication in relationships can be so damaging that it can completely destroy a relationship. Unfortunately, some people are unaware that they are already engaging in aggressive communication with others, particularly with their own spouses and families. How does aggressive communication begin, and how can it harm a relationship?
Aggressive Communication
When you use an aggressive communication style, you state your needs first; leaving less room for those involved and their needs.
Aggression usually stems from a sense of insecurity. When you feel threatened or as if your best interests are in jeopardy, you may adopt an aggressive communication style. Aggressive people may come across as verbally abusive to others.
Because their hostility triggers their partner’s fight-or-flight instinct and the need to protect themselves, aggressive people may struggle to communicate with their partner.
Definition of Aggressive Communication
How well do you understand the term “aggressive communication in relationships?” We may have a general idea of aggression as a communication skill.
However, a more in-depth understanding of its definition can help us understand it better and eliminate aggressive communication in relationships.
Aggressive communication, as defined by the term, is a method of expressing one’s needs and desires while disregarding the feelings of others.
It’s a selfish and damaging communication style. Aggressive communication can hurt your relationships and how others perceive you as a person. It can also lead to low self-esteem and less social interaction.
Passive Aggressive Communication
Individuals with a passive communication style do not express their feelings or opinions to others. People adopt a passive communication style for a variety of reasons.
Sometimes it’s to keep them safe from confrontation. Other times, it’s because they’re genuinely laid-back and prefer to go with the flow.
People who use passive communication may be more tolerant of the actions of others.
A passive communication style involves more compromise and allowing the other person to have their way, which can leave the person using a passive communication style feeling unsatisfied.
For example, if your partner is having a bad day, you may take a passive approach to your problem with them. You may reason, “Eh, I don’t need to bother them with this today; it’ll be there tomorrow,” but tomorrow never comes.
Alternatively, if your friend has finally found someone with whom they are connecting, you may tell them your good news the next time so as not to detract from their shining moment.
Examples of Passive Aggressive Communication
Passive aggressive communication can manifest itself in various ways. For example, a person may repeatedly make excuses to avoid certain people to express their dislike or anger toward them.
1. Implied refusal
According to Cullins, “indirectly refusing to meet someone’s needs is a form of passive-aggressive behavior.” For example, suppose you’ve asked your partner or a roommate to do the dishes several times, and they don’t say no outright but don’t intend to do the dishes.
Sure, they could be being lazy. But they could also be purposely avoiding the dishes to be spiteful, without telling you directly what’s going on.
2. Phantom
According to Muoz, ghosting is a form of passive-aggressive communication. Instead of owning the fact that they no longer want to speak with you, a passive-aggressive person would rather leave it all unsaid—by never speaking to you again.
3. Arriving late
Passive-aggressive people frequently arrive late, according to Muoz. Cullins adds that this can also appear as procrastination.
If a passive-aggressive person doesn’t want to do something, they will put it off until the last minute rather than airing their grievances directly.
4. Silence
In some situations, silence can be very passive-aggressive. This can manifest as stonewalling in the middle of a debate, ignoring a question, or leaving a text on “read.” As Cullins points out, silence can be considered passive aggression when a response is required.
5. Justifications
People sometimes make up reasons for doing or not doing something rather than directly expressing their frustrations.
According to Moz, getting sick frequently, interfering with responsibilities, or ‘forgetting’ essential appointments or dates can be examples of passive-aggressive communication.
6. Patronizing
According to Moz, people sometimes use passive aggression in their words, such as patronizing remarks. Maybe they insult your intelligence with phrases like “Do you know what I mean by that?” or call you names like “kid” or “honey.”
Anything that makes them appear superior or inferior can be considered passive-aggressive communication. (This is also typical narcissistic behavior.)
7. Sarcasticism
According to Moz, sarcasm is also passive-aggressive in specific contexts. For example, if you invite your partner to a family gathering and they say sarcastically, “Yeah, you know how much I love your family,” that is passive-aggressive communication. Instead of telling your family about their problems directly, they hide their bad feelings behind jokes.
8. Reverse compliments
Backhanded compliments, according to Cullins and Muoz, are very passive-aggressive. “I’m impressed you acted civilized all night,” or “Wow, your outfit is cute today.” This behavior is also known as negging, a type of manipulation.
9. Unsolicited advice or opinions
Unsolicited opinions on personal topics, according to Muoz, can be considered passive-aggressive communication. Perhaps they say something similar: “I’d focus on losing a few pounds if I were you,” or “You’ve been looking really tired lately—you should get more sleep.”
10. Disrespectful remarks
Vaguely contemptuous remarks, anything that comes across as disrespectful, can be considered passive-aggressive.
For example, Muoz suggests that you prepare a nice meal for someone, and they give you faint praise such as, “Good meal, it was edible.”
11. Adverse body language
Last, Cullins points out that body language can also be used for passive-aggressive communication. Instead of saying what’s bothering them, they may pout, cross their arms, or roll their eyes.
She goes on to define passive-aggressive behavior as “any behavior that expresses negative feelings without directly stating them.”
Causes of Passive Aggressive Communication
Passive aggressive communication behaviors can seriously affect interpersonal relationships in families, romances, and workplaces.
So, why is this frequently destructive behavior so prevalent? Several factors can contribute to the prevalence of passive aggression.
1. Upbringing
Some argue that passive-aggressive communication behavior stems from growing up in a home where direct expression of emotions was discouraged or prohibited.
People may believe they cannot express their true feelings openly, so they may seek ways to passively channel their anger or frustration.
2. Characteristics of the situation
The situation also impacts passive-aggressive behavior. When you are in a situation where open displays of aggression are not socially acceptable, such as at a business or family function, you may be more likely to respond covertly when someone irritates you.
3. Taking the easy way out
It is not always easy to be assertive and emotionally open. When standing up for yourself is difficult or even frightening, passive-aggression may appear to be a more convenient way to deal with your emotions without having to confront the source of your rage.
Coping with Passive Aggressive Communication
So, what can you do when confronted by a friend, coworker, or even a romantic partner who engages in passive aggression regularly?
The first step is to identify the warning signs of such behavior. Passive aggression manifests in sulking, backhanded compliments, procrastination, withdrawal, and refusal to communicate.
When the other person begins to act this way, try not to become enraged. Instead, point out the other person’s feelings in a non-judgmental yet factual manner.
If you’re dealing with a child upset about having to do chores, say something like, “You appear to be angry at me for asking you to clean your room.”
1. Recognize Your Behaviors
It is often easier to identify passive-aggressive behavior in others; however, what if you are the one engaging in these behaviors? Try to take a step back and examine your behavior objectively.
- Do you frequently sulk when you are dissatisfied with someone else?
- Do you avoid people who make you angry?
- Have you ever stopped talking to people when you’re upset with them?
- You always put things off to punish others?
- Do you use sarcasm to avoid having meaningful conversations?
If you believe that your passive-aggressive behavior is causing problems in your relationships, there are steps you can take to change how you interact with others. Here are some strategies for dealing with your behavior.
2. Raise your level of self-awareness.
Passive aggressive communication behaviors can result from a lack of understanding of why or how you are feeling upset. As you react to various people and situations, pay attention to what is happening.
3. Allow yourself enough time to make changes.
Recognizing your patterns and reactions is a good first step toward change, but changing your patterns and reactions can take time.
4. Express yourself in various ways.
Understanding your emotions and learning to express them appropriately are essential steps toward ending passive-aggressive behaviors.
Conflict is unavoidable, but knowing how to express your feelings effectively can lead to better resolutions.
Examples of Aggressive Communication
A person with this communication style lacks empathy in words and actions and only says what they want without considering how hurtful their words are.
Aggressive communication does not stop with words; it can also be nonverbal, such as facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language. Here are a few examples of aggressive communication:
- Speaking in a commanding and obnoxious tone of voice
- Criticism of others
- Use of humiliation to control others
- Attempts to dominate
- Frequent interruptions
- Statements beginning with “You”
- Easily irritated temper
People who use aggressive communication styles may alienate themselves from others, confirming their insecurity by instilling fear or hatred in them.
Aggressive people often struggle to accept responsibility for their actions because they do not want to face their insecurities, making it difficult to learn from situations and receive the support and love they crave.
Related Articles: INSECURE ATTACHMENT STYLES: How to Cope & Deal With it, Updated!!!
In some situations, using an aggressive communication style can be advantageous. If you’re feeling exploited or want to make sure you’ve seen it, an aggressive communication style can be beneficial. For example, if you’re competing for a promotion with a coworker, you may need to be aggressive to get ahead.
For example, if a child is frequently bullied at school, they may need to demonstrate to the other students that they can handle themselves and are not to be trifled with.
An aggressive communication style can be beneficial when engaging in physical activity, such as at the gym or in a race.
Aggressive Communication in Your Relationship
Now that we’re familiar with aggressive communication, you’ve probably remembered instances where you encountered someone like this at work.
Let’s face it: our most common reaction is to avoid that person.
What if your aggressive communication experiences result from your spouse or partner? How do you handle it?
A relationship in which you talk but don’t resolve any issues, where feelings of hurt linger because the way you or your partner communicate isn’t resolving your problems but making them worse.
Unfortunately, no relationship can last if the partners do not communicate effectively.
If your relationship has an aggressive communication style, don’t expect it to be harmonious because there is no real connection and communication in your relationship.
The stress and conflict that aggressive words can cause in your relationship will take their toll, which will be the end. Can you imagine living with someone who is constantly hostile to you?
How about feeling inadequate due to the words thrown at you, and how can this person’s lack of empathy endanger your relationship?
What if you have children who mimic your partner’s aggressive communication style? When children are exposed to aggressive communication in relationships at a young age, it can leave them permanently scarred.
How to Deal with Aggressive Communication
Being told you have an aggressive communication style may not immediately change who you are, but it is an eye-opener.
The realization that you need to change your communication style with others to have better relationships will not bring you down or diminish you.
Doing so will help you grow as a person. Accept that you must improve if you want to change, and it begins with these questions.
- Am I putting others down?
- Can I listen when people are speaking?
- Am I open to criticism?
- Do my words cause harm to others?
- Am I being blinded by the negative consequences of my freedom of expression?
These are simply questions that will give you an idea of how you communicate. If you believe assistance is required, there are numerous ways to request it.
Sound therapy can help you improve your communication skills, and there is nothing wrong with seeking help to improve your communication skills.
Seek the assistance of a reputable therapist who can advise you on how to deal with aggressive communication styles.
It is best to seek help as soon as possible because aggressive communication in relationships can shake the foundation of even the most substantial relationships.
Why must we improve our communication skills, and why is aggressive communication in relationships so damaging?
The reason for preferring effective communication over aggressive communication in relationships is straightforward.
What Are the Effects of Aggressive Communication?
The impact of this type of communication is alienation from and by others. Extremely aggressive communicators frequently fail to ‘own’ issues instead of blaming others and refusing to accept responsibility for their actions. This is an intriguing style in which people appear passive and submissive.
What Are the Characteristics of Aggressive Communication?
The aggressive communicator’s characteristics include being domineering, condescending, sarcastic, and opportunistic. This manifests as bossy, mean-spirited, unappreciative, and arrogant behavior. Aggressive verbal communication: “You must…”
Conclusion
Aggressive communication can wreck relationships in all aspects of life, including school, family, and work.
Even if this is your primary mode of communication, there are steps you can take to replace aggressive behaviors with more productive and assertive ones.
If you’re not sure what your communication style is, you should think about whether you’re making some common conflict resolution mistakes like criticizing and shutting others down.
You can also learn more about healthy communication techniques that you can use with the many people in your life, such as listening carefully and attempting to see things from others’ perspectives.
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